Trader Joe Opening Statement

[DrStool]

That's funny....kind of like giving control of the prison to one of the inmates....I almost spit out my Gin & Tonic....11 AM on a Sunday....ummmm........... that might be a little early fer drinking

 

 

Dear Stooligans,

 

I am extremely honored to have been selected the Douchebagerator of LOB and to accept the responsibilities that your trust has entitled me to. I am boundlessly grateful to Doc who thus empowered me to make the daily life of LOB better, and I can hardly keep in my impatience to start it.

 

LOB requires a lot of improvements. As mentioned, I will direct the attention of the other Stoolies to the problem of our posts, especially the posts to the LOB. I know first-hand of the poor state of LOB. As Douchebagerator I will do my best to deal with this problem. According to the four-step plan, in three years LOB will have about the same lack of interest as today. My second concern will be ensuring the simplification of LOB to fellow Douchebags. Finally, I also plan to minimize and eradicate crappy posts in favor of less crappy posts.

 

Thank you again for your trust in me. Before the symbolical act of handing over the LOB keys from Doc to me I thought much about the long way we have overcome to be here today. For ten years I represented the interests of the lunatic fringe financial community at The Stool, until I understood that the difficulties were to be overcome from the top, and only Doc could attempt to change the situation radically. I am grateful to my supporters for their belief in me that empowered me to be here today and accept the keys from Doc some ten minutes ago.

 

Let me assure you that in my activities I will be guarded by no other principles than those of the Bible and the Constitution. As far as I can remember in Ancient China the candidates to the post in the website administration were to pass an examination in aesthetics and display their love and understanding of stupid and often meaningless posts. Only then could they become high-officials. Well, times have changed, but the humanity has hardly been altered - neither have the universal principles of humanism and morality. In my work as Douchebagerator I pledge to adhere to the Bible and the Constitution, to implement and develop the ideal of freedom to ensure adequate life for Stoolies irrespective of their economic, political or social status.

 

I am proud of your trust, and I will justify it to the best of my competence and knowledge. Thank you.

[Captain's Log]

As a salute of respect, I recite the following:-

 

"I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries".