FauxCaster Posted March 27, 2003 Report Share Posted March 27, 2003 'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING Wednesday March 19, 2003 By CHAD KULTGEN NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256! Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28. "We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider. "But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck. "The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources." The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs. "If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation. When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession. Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune. "It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment." In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS. All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft." However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands." Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002." Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments. http://tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20030319/1048...4808600007.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjkst27 Posted March 27, 2003 Report Share Posted March 27, 2003 Setup to a great April Fools joke on Tuesday? Kinda like what Sports Illustrated did with their "Sidd Finch" character back in 1988 or so, the guy from the woods who could throw a 124 mph fastball? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FauxCaster Posted March 28, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 From a joke site: The Campaign Against Time Travel To Whom It May Concern: A new technology is quickly emerging that endangers the lifestyles of us all. The physical and spiritual health of our country is in grave danger, and I don't mean the Internet. No sir, I am worried about a much more dangerous technology that is about to emerge from the basement of one Steven Matthews. Steve is building a time machine, and I believe he can succeed. That is why I am urging preemptive legislation before science fiction becomes science fact. The first, and most obvious risk is that Steven could potentially destroy the space-time continuum. I have no idea what this means, but any theoretical physicist can tell you that this would be a bad thing. Life, the Universe and Everything would cease to exist. I must clarify that ceasing to exist is much worse than any other issue facing America. Even nuclear warfare may leave a few survivors, but non-existence is complete in its slaughter. I for one, enjoy existing, and I am sure that at least several other Americans share this interest A smaller, more believable risk would be that of murder. If you have seen the Terminator movies you know what I'm talking about. If a time traveler didn't like someone, he could kill their mother before they were born. In fact, all he would have to do is go back and give the mother several brochures on contraception and then his opponents would never be born. Even scarier is that if time travel is allowed, the people most at risk will be people like myself who understand the danger, and hence pose a risk to their selfish regime badness. Other risks of time travel include cheating the lottery, electioneering, and communism. Just think, Steve could give winning lottery numbers to himself, insuring that he would win millions of dollars. He could then use this ill-earned money to get people to support him and get him elected. Finally, I believe that all time travelers are avid supporters of Communism, so they would surely get communists elected. We must act now because once the machine is built it will be impotent legislation. Steve, or any other time traveler will easily be able to go back in time and cripple any attempts to create legislation against it. However, if he is stopped from building his time machine in the first place, this will never be a possibility. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Hey, I like passing laws as much as the next guy, but how is this going to increase my salary, while still getting me re-elected so that I can spend more of the taxpayers money?" That is a good question, and I have a good answer, which I swear I will inform you of as soon as your actions show your support in this issue. In advance, I thank you, America thanks you, and I thank you. http://www.swingmachine.org/issue2/antitime.htm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FauxCaster Posted March 28, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 Setup to a great April Fools joke on Tuesday? Kinda like what Sports Illustrated did with their "Sidd Finch" character back in 1988 or so, the guy from the woods who could throw a 124 mph fastball? The only other news stories by Chad Kultgen I could find doing a search were from the tabloid Weekly World News. So the entire story is hoax, even the trading record. BIZARRE VIRUS TURNS COMPUTER INTO SEX PERVERT It secretly takes nude pics of coeds with its web-cam ? & posts them on the Internet! By CHAD KULTGEN STOCKHOLM ? A group of sexy sorority sisters were stunned to see their nude photos posted on the Internet ? and they were even more shocked to learn that the culprit behind this sickening breach of privacy was their very own computer! ============= 1980s TV SHOWS RAISE YOUR IQ Good news for couch potatoes who watch Alf, Dynasty & Love Boat! Old TV shows are raising the IQ ratings of couch potatoes who have turned into geniuses after viewing hours of 1980s sitcoms, dramas and shows so brief that even the actors don?t recall starring in them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FauxCaster Posted March 28, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 Silly me, didn't even look at the Yahoo page. IT IS THE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS http://tv.yahoo.com/news/wwntv/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machinehead Posted March 28, 2003 Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 I recall some movie where a 1990s guy traveled back to 1929 to make a stock market killing. Oct. 29, 1929 to be specific ... he was circling stocks on the financial page of the evening paper, to buy for a song. The audience was OK with it, but Stoolies would not have been: 1. The market made a lower low two weeks later, on Nov. 13, 1929. 2. The ultimate bear market low didn't occur until July 8, 1932. But, hey. He was a visitor from the future. Maybe he brought to the past his knowledge of an exciting future technology: day trading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuantumOnion Posted March 28, 2003 Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 MH, you must share qo's quirky tastes... You're referring to the Coen Bro's, Hudsucker Proxy. A right refreshing, and off-the-beaten-trail, flick. Out of hope, out of rope, out of time." - William Cobbs in the opening narration of The Hudsucker Proxy Damn, Cobbs sounds just like a Stoolie... qo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuantumOnion Posted March 28, 2003 Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 Opps. Nope, that's not the one (although it's still a great movie). qo remembers the same movie MH is referring to, but is darned if he can remember the title qo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 28, 2003 Report Share Posted March 28, 2003 BIZARRE VIRUS TURNS COMPUTER INTO SEX PERVERT It secretly takes nude pics of coeds with its web-cam ? & posts them on the Internet! By CHAD KULTGEN STOCKHOLM ? A group of sexy sorority sisters were stunned to see their nude photos posted on the Internet ? and they were even more shocked to learn that the culprit behind this sickening breach of privacy was their very own computer! This is either true or based on a real story. There was a mass-mailing virus (SirCam, I think), which would append documents found on the victim's machine at the end of itself and mass-mail the whole thing to the contacts in the victim's address book (or would reply to all messages in the victim's mailbox or something like that). The victim would receive an executable file - but when clicked on, the virus (besides replicating further) would extract the appended document and open it with Word (or Excel) - so, the victim would believe that a genuine document was clicked. There were several cases when high-profile confidential documents were leaked by the virus. One of the victims was the president of some Baltic republic - Latvia, I think. Regards, Vesselin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigWave Posted March 29, 2003 Report Share Posted March 29, 2003 At the close today on IDS, Blackbelt posted some interesting thoughts about a new stock market high in 3-4 years and a depression in 2010. I was thinking, I wonder if he knows this guy Of course I say this with all due respect to Blackbelt whose comments I value greatly. Vess- could you lay out the trades he would make to turn $800 into 350mm in a couple of weeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
depends Posted March 29, 2003 Report Share Posted March 29, 2003 Vesselin - Man do I remember Sircam! My resume ended up in Malasia. Some guy there wrote me wondering what I was doing applying for work with him. I got it from email from the middle east with personal letters attached. Question for you. With all the patches to Windows, IE and Outlook is it still possible to write code to do what Sircam did? Will these types of virus attacks be a never ending problem? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DogBoy Posted March 29, 2003 Report Share Posted March 29, 2003 "when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history." He sounds like many people on this site. Common knowledge ? Yup. I'd like to see his trading history. Maybe I can learn something. Doc, when he gets out of Rykers will you offer him a free Stool Subscription and maybe his own forum ? We'll call it the "Man From the Future Forum" Is there anyway he could modem in from Rykers Island ? The last pre-war rally looked like a whole horde of time-travelers buying up stocks. Only problem is that they were all friends of Dubya. As anybody who trades the market knows it's the selling that makes or breaks you. I'd like to see how he did it, when he sold. "1. The market made a lower low two weeks later, on Nov. 13, 1929." Wouldn't that be typical that God would give you JUST ONE newspaper from say 10/30/1929 and tell you that you can go back there and do what you want for just ONE MONTH. You buy at the bottom oin the 29'th on margin (and margin in those days was huge, like 90%). Then on 11/13/29 you get creamed !!!! Then you're screaming: Mister Wizard, Mister Wizard !!!! What a laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 29, 2003 Report Share Posted March 29, 2003 While this story is a hoax, I don't think seeing into the future is such a big deal. I mean, any of you can do it. For example, I could have told you six months. . . heck, a year ago that we would definitely go to war in Iraq. I could have also told you that V.P. Dick Cheney's old company Haliburton would get the first big, lucrative, non-competative bid, government contract to rebuild Iraq. :wink2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rayok Posted March 29, 2003 Report Share Posted March 29, 2003 ?I could have also told you that V.P. Dick Cheney's old company Haliburton would get the first big, lucrative, non-competative bid, government contract to rebuild Iraq. ?:wink2: Oops, there's been a break in the time/space continueum. I'll execute repairs and meet you here yesterday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Icky Twerp Posted March 29, 2003 Report Share Posted March 29, 2003 Oh, don't weep for me Argentina... B&R will get a sub-contract, below the radar, almost as remunerative... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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